According to Paul Gilbert, author of The Compassionate Mind and developer of Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT), there are three interacting emotional regulation systems that have evolved over time. These systems help explain why we easily fall into the trap of self-criticism and highlight the importance of cultivating self-compassion. Here is a simplified overview of this complex system:

Threat & Protect System: Also known as our reptilian brain, this system is the quickest and most easily triggered. It is designed for survival and protection, detecting threats and urging us to act with a burst of emotions such as anxiety, anger, disgust, and depression. The amygdala registers danger, releasing cortisol (the stress hormone) and adrenaline, prompting a fight, flight, or freeze response. While this system is crucial for physical threats, in modern society, it often activates in response to psychological threats to our self-image. Chronic activation can lead to anxiety and depression. When we feel inadequate, our self-concept is threatened, and we may attack ourselves through self-criticism, becoming both the attacker and the attacked. When we flee, we isolate ourselves from others and when we freeze, we ruminate. Ouch, ouch, and ouch!

Incentive & Resource-Seeking System: This system provides positive feelings to guide and encourage us to seek resources necessary for survival and prosperity for ourselves and those we care about. When this system is underactive, we may feel depressed and lack motivation to achieve goals. Conversely, when overactive, we may feel frustrated and disappointed due to insatiable desires. Blocks to achieving our goals can activate the threat & protect system, leading to anxiety, frustration, and anger. This system releases dopamine and is associated with pleasurable experiences like falling in love, achieving goals, and winning, prompting us to seek more of these experiences. Exhausting!

Soothing & Contentment System: This system is central to self-compassion. As mammals, we are born immature so our care system evolved to encourage parents and their offspring to remain close. Both oxytocin, the love hormone, and endorphins, the natural feel-good opiates, are released reducing stress and increasing feelings of peace, social safety and wellbeing. It fosters balance, creating feelings of inner peace and contentment without striving or wanting. When activated, we feel safe, calm, and connected. 

Understanding these three systems illuminates several key points about our emotions and the importance of self-compassion:

Many uncomfortable emotions, including anxiety, anger, disgust, and sadness, are normal and important protective responses. For example, if you are enjoying a hike in the woods, feeling peaceful and connected with nature while talking with a friend, you will want to lose that pleasure when you see a bear so you can freeze until the threat passes. However, in our pleasure-focused society, we often internalize messages that these emotions mean there is something wrong with us or that we are broken or defective. Remember, our brains evolved to survive, not to be happy. It is compassionate to ourselves to accept, tolerate, and work with these emotions as normal responses to life’s ebbs and flows.

Often, our emotional systems are responding correctly to problematic situations. For example, it is normal and healthy to feel depressed when in a loveless relationship. Sometimes the compassionate action is to create changes. These emotions are not abnormal or shameful; they are part of the collective human experience.

Recognizing when we become stressed and distressed, especially when our threat & protect and/or incentive & resource-seeking systems are out of balance, is crucial for creating a compassionate relationship with ourselves. Both of these systems can become overstimulated in modern society. Learning to recognize life’s natural ups and downs and developing our care system is paramount. When we extend compassion to ourselves when feeling insecure, it is akin to receiving love and acceptance from a parent. By cultivating self-compassion, we downregulate the threat response and can find peace, calm, and contentment.

In conclusion, embracing self-compassion involves recognizing the natural ebb and flow of our emotions. Our brains are wired for survival, and the emotional responses we experience are part of our shared humanity. By understanding and nurturing our care system, we create a space for inner peace and connection, allowing us to navigate life’s challenges with greater resilience and kindness towards ourselves. As this becomes integrated into everyday life, people experience greater well-being including less depression, anxiety, stress and shame while enjoying increased happiness, confidence, satisfaction in life and physical health. Yes, please!