Kristin Neff, a trailblazer in self-compassion research, has illuminated three essential aspects of self-compassion. One of these, self-kindness, is a powerful tool for navigating life’s ups and downs. Yet, our culture often encourages us to be kind to others while simultaneously discouraging us from extending the same kindness to ourselves. This tension is something we explored in a recent episode, “Why We Resist Self Compassion.” Many of us have been conditioned to withhold compassion from ourselves, and this pattern can be so deeply ingrained that we might even question our ability to be kind to ourselves. I can certainly relate to the challenge of turning the kindness I readily offer to others inward, especially when self-criticism feels like a constant companion.

But here’s the uplifting news: As I shared in a previous vlog, “Our Brains: The Dance of Self-Criticism & Self-Compassion,” we are inherently designed to both give and receive care. We don’t have to wait for others to care for us, as discussed in the series on reparenting. In fact, our well-being depends on both our fight-and-flight and our tend-and-befriend systems. Even if it feels like a steep climb after years—or in my case, decades—of battling self-criticism, embracing self-compassion is not just possible but something we are wired for. I am living proof of this journey!

Another factor to consider is our attachment style. If our early caregivers offered inconsistent support, we might develop insecure attachment styles that affect us well into adulthood. A secure attachment style helps us feel worthy and trust others, while an insecure one can make us feel unlovable and lead to diminished self-compassion. However, we can shift towards a secure attachment style by practicing self-care, understanding, and acceptance. This process nurtures a sense of trust and ensures that kindness is always within reach. This is the transformative power of self-compassion.

Instead of viewing ourselves or our emotions as problems to fix, we can choose self-kindness, honoring ourselves as valuable beings deserving of care. By embracing self-kindness—both literally and metaphorically—we allow ourselves to be both the giver and receiver of comfort. When I say literally, I actually mean to provide yourself with hugs. Physical touch releases oxytocin providing security and soothing distress. This shift is far more compassionate than the cycle of self-criticism, where we are both the attacker and the attacked. While we can’t control every aspect of our lives, we can begin to be kind to ourselves as we face our limitations. In doing so, we lessen our suffering and cultivate a gentler relationship with ourselves.

Watch now to discover this week’s teachable takeaway and continue your journey of self-compassion!