Kristin Neff, PhD, a trailblazer in self-compassion research, identifies three essential components of self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. While loving and accepting ourselves is vital, it’s incomplete without embracing common humanity, which emphasizes our connection with others. Compassion, by definition, is relational—it means “to suffer with.” It honors the reality that all of us are fallible and that the human experience is beautifully imperfect. We all make mistakes and have regrets; this is a universal truth.

Self-pity and self-compassion are worlds apart. Self-pity isolates us in a “poor me” mindset, whereas self-compassion recognizes that feelings of inadequacy and disappointment are shared by all. We experience distress not just from what happens to us, but from the stories we tell ourselves about what happens. When life doesn’t go as planned, we often feel that something is fundamentally wrong, triggering our emotional reactions.

In our journey of emotional regulation and balancing self-criticism with self-compassion, our brain’s tend-and-befriend system is crucial. Loneliness often comes from our fears of not belonging, but feeling connected activates this attachment system. Even with people around us, we can feel isolated, especially if we struggle to form meaningful relationships or find social support.

Self-judgments are like blinders, preventing us from seeing and accepting the support that’s available. When we hide our true selves to feel connected, we end up feeling even more alone. Transforming our relationship with ourselves is essential. By embracing our inherent interconnectedness, we can better support ourselves through tough times. How we talk to and relate to ourselves after setbacks—whether with criticism or compassion—makes a huge difference.

Recognizing our shared human experiences can create moments of connection, even when we are physically alone. The illusion of controlling others or our environment leads to judgment and blame, directed either inwardly or outwardly. Compassion is the antidote.

Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh spoke of “interbeing” when he said, “We are the expression of millions of prior circumstances that have all come together to shape us in the present moment.” This perspective fosters compassion, helping us appreciate that we are doing the best we can with the hand life has dealt us. Discriminating wisdom, as opposed to judgment, helps us navigate these experiences with greater understanding and kindness.

With common humanity, we are able to recognize our place within the greater human family. We understand that our struggles and failures are not unique, but part of a shared human experience. When we see our pain as part of the collective human condition, it becomes easier to extend kindness to ourselves. This sense of common humanity allows us to feel less isolated and more connected, fostering a deeper sense of belonging and compassion not only towards ourselves but towards others as well. By embracing this interconnectedness, we can transform our inner dialogue, create meaningful connections, and lead more compassionate and fulfilling lives.