The aim of the language of responsibility is to utilize words in a manner that establishes more potent and direct connections with ourselves, others, and the world around us, thereby fulfilling our needs more effectively. The better we manage to regulate ourselves by identifying our needs and the ways in which we act and express ourselves to fulfill them, the greater our sense of well-being. Our use of language can reflect how we assume responsibility for ourselves and our relationships, essentially indicating how we perceive our capacity to respond to our needs, those of others, and our environment in an empowered, direct manner. 

Let’s delve into a few examples of words that fall under the umbrella of the language of responsibility: “can’t,” “but,” “have to,” and “should.” As I share the impact I experience using these different words, I hope you reflect on ways you use them in your daily life and practice reframing them to feel the difference for yourself. 

Firstly, let’s consider the word ‘can’t.’ Okay, so I can’t fly. Immediately as I type these words I want to point out that I can fly if I travel by plane or if I learn to parasail. Let’s look at an example with smaller stakes. For instance, when I tell myself I can’t have dessert, I often experience feelings of deprivation, sulking, or rebellion. How about you? However, when I reframe it to “I can have berries for dessert” or “I am choosing not to have sugary desserts because I don’t enjoy how I feel afterwards,” the sensation is entirely different. This shift empowers me and sparks creativity in finding alternative ways to achieve my goal. Where do you find yourself using the word ‘can’t’? What new possibilities emerge for you when you reframe it?

Next, let’s explore the word ‘but.’ Using ‘but’ in a sentence actually negates or diminishes everything that precedes it. For instance, saying “I appreciate all that you are doing but you forgot this” could unintentionally undermine the appreciation expressed. By replacing ‘but’ with ‘and,’ such as “I appreciate all that you are doing and you forgot this one thing,” the appreciation remains intact while addressing the additional aspect. Similarly, substituting ‘but’ with ‘and’ opens up possibilities rather than dead ends. For example, instead of saying “I want to go on vacation but I don’t have money,” saying “I want to go on vacation and I don’t have the money” prompts exploration of potential solutions, such as saving or considering alternative destinations. How does replacing ‘but’ with ‘and’ shift your perspective?

Moving on to another disempowering phrase, ‘have to.’ It’s important to recognize that most things we perceive as ‘have to’ are, in fact, choices based on our values and worldview. For instance, I don’t pay my taxes because I ‘have to,’ but rather because I choose to abide by tax laws to avoid negative consequences. Reframing ‘have to’ as ‘choose to’ or ‘will/won’t’ often brings clarity to our values and choices, revealing any limiting beliefs that may be hindering us. For example, am I refraining from speaking my mind because I ‘have to’ be nice? Is it truly nice to withhold the truth? Is it possible to be honest and kind at the same time? This shift in language may prompt us to reassess our beliefs and make necessary changes. How does reframing ‘have to’ as ‘choose to’ impact your decision-making process? 

The final word I’ll explore as part of the language of responsibility is ‘should.’ This word often carries judgment and criticism and can be shaming, focused either internally or externally. We often grow up swallowing up ideas about how the world, and the people in it, are without consideration of our own experiences in the here and now. Notice when this word comes up for you and you may discover a limiting belief you have about yourself, about others, and the environment. 

These four words—‘can’t,’ ‘but,’ ‘have to,’ and ‘should’—are just a few examples of the language of responsibility. I hope you’ll join me in experimenting with these words and seeing how they can change perspectives on goals, values, and needs. Approach each word with curiosity, and observe what new possibilities unfold for you. After all, a few small words can make a big difference.